The mariachis of anal porndom, the modern kings of metal, Steel Panther, are back in town for another round and as Satchel’s soft lamenting intro to “Pussy-whipped” couldn’t possibly have been written as a tribute to the fallen Paco de Lucia, but is far more likely to have been written as a nod to the members of Metallica or indeed the blizzard of Ozz, himself… with the glaring exception that Sharon was never hot, but I’m pretty sure, that would not stop them panther boys from hitting it – as it didn’t stop another person back in the day… ehm… am I getting carried away? Yeah, guilty of being retarded, after having unloaded one too many times… how did that line go… my sperm, your face. Yeah. First song, on the new Panther album, gets a wholesome, awesome – I’d do a foursome!
“Party Like Tomorrow is the End of the World” sounded, like the most retarded piece of crap ever written, in the long history of rock, with it’s only redeeming grace being the boobs and that’d only be IF you were lucky enough to be watching the video, otherwise, you’d have to probably draw some and fantasize about them, but somehow, it kinda works, in the context of the album… which thankfully is more in tune with the debut and less with the sophomore album that might have had the best cover ever, but tiny “cohones” when it came to actually delivering the songs, with maybe a handful of really good tunes.
“Glory Hole” is a supercharged ubersexist piece of poetry, about going to France and sticking your sausage, in a hole in the wall and hoping to get sucked, but not giving a damn, or frankly not knowing what will happen next! Epic stuff! Just like trying to do the damn thing (hahahaha)! This is like Van Halen on a ton of blow, turned all the way to 12!
“Bukakke Tears” is more like Van Hagar, you know, more mellow-dick, talking about too much spunk in the face, 9 inch penises in the face, 10 in the hands and even bigger ones up the khyber… an obvious sort of thing in a bukkake, not too obvious, even for a “spunky” power ballad… on the other hand… if you take things ad verbatim…
“Gangbang at the Old Folks Home” is probably, something that these dudes stole from 60s or 70s Greek or Italian sex-comedies I suppose, but I suppose it’s pretty crazy… after name dropping Van Halen specifically, it goes on to tell the story of a “gang-bang” taking place at an old-folks home… this is even “better” or “worse” than Bubba-hotep, I suppose, depending on how you look at it, but on the other hand, I know a boy, named George – NOT “Boy Georgy”, silly, who’s seriously into geriatrics – maybe they should have called him!!! lol! Great stuff! Vivian Campbell (Dio, Def Leppard, Thin Lizzy, etc.) also plays the solo here.
And the hits don’t stop as “Ten Strikes, You’re out!” does this “silly countdown” with so much “panache” and “finesse” that you can’t do anything else but fucking love it! Somebody bloody get me a doctor, please, there hasn’t been an album as fun as this since “VH II”!
“The Burden of Being Wonderful” has been an obviously well known quantity from a while ago, by means of it’s hilarious video clip… for me – this should have clearly been the first single, even if it’s a mid tempo tune… it’s hilarious as it mixes Zoolander with friggin Weird Al Yankovich! Hahaha! Just perfect! Guest appearance on violin & viola by Kiara Ana Perico.
The very subtle “Fucking My Heart in the Ass” begins with an almost punky riff and just goes on and on, not letting go till it registers its discontent with bitchy girlfriends that fuck up their boyfriends lives. This is a humorous love song I suppose, in Panther’s own inimitable style. Slightly fucked up the ass!
The hilariously titled “B.ig V.agina S.yndrome” is another hymn dedicated to Panther’s favorite part of the female anatomy, the mighty “V”… obviously you need to read the lyrics on this one to believe it! WTF!
And since a Panther album wouldn’t be the same without some slower songs, the sort of songs that you could get a lighter out and wave it out around, setting fire to whoever might have been in front of you if he had long hair and he was with a hot looking girl… if you had a lighter, instead of a stupid mobile with stupid apps… them panthers supply you with one of those with “You’re Beautiful When You Don’t Talk”… Alright… I’ll shut up… Biatch!
Next up is the stomping “If I Was the King” another male fantasy tune, that however finds me in complete agreement. I’d gladly be a subject of King Michael Starr! If there were strippers everywhere! Yeah! Tons of FUN!!!!! Oh and even if he doesn’t get the kingdom, executing one direction and even just including Justin Bieber in the bill, wouldn’t be a bad idea!
Last but not least on this eargasmic album there’s the slightly “futuristic” but also 80s power pop sampling epic “She’s on the Rag” that just manages to surmise the album greatly…
I just can’t believe this. And I just didn’t jizz in my pants – It all over the place, this damn think exxxceeded all my expectations and will easily be amongst the best albums for 2014. The Panthers roar back, shredding most of the competition away and bringing the metal and VDs back! If it burns like hell, it’s probably herpes!!!
